Maybe just a little overboard :-)

I was wrapping the boys Christmas presents yesterday and WOW maybe I just went just a little overboard! Each boy has a LARGE garbage bag full and thats not including the one each from mum and dad, and the one from each other. Oh and not to forget the trampoline!!! I didn't realise I had so much. Just as well it only happens once a year. I haven't bought them home yet, James just might have a heart attack LOL.

Christmas :-(

I usually love Christmas! Ever since having to bring the inlaws into Christmas it hasn't been the same but still good. I always knew I could get through it. This year I am sooooo not looking forward to it, not one little bit and to tell you the truth it is depressing me. As it creeps closer and closer and am getting more unhappy. We always get to see both sides of the family.

The inlaws always open presents from each other the night before so I really don't see why I should miss out on opening presents with my family EVA, I mean he doesn't. I have had the majority of the day with his family 3 times now and every time it has been hell. The MIL goes even more evil (surprises me that, that can even happen). First year she was fighting with SIL, 2nd year BIL and last year DH (although it was all my fault which was bull bc I was trying to keep the peace).

Last year we took Zack 20mins away at 9pm(after his bedtime mind you) so he could be there to open the presents with them, to keep them happy. We asked that they go to church in our home town (the church MIL attends every week mind you) bc it is on earlier, which would mean we could go open presents earlier, so he could get to bed and not be overtired. BUT no bc SIL (whom might I add doesn't have children) doesn't want to go to that one. Anyway we turn up and they have already opened all the presents without us (church didn't go as long as they thought). James was so angry and upset that they didn't wait for Zack. I try to tell him our children are nothing to them all the time he just won't listen. So the next morning there is phone calls and James is adamant we are not going. We end up going bc my mum said she thinks we should and we don't get spoken to by anyone bar BIL and his then wife the whole time we are there.

This year the only one that talks to me won't be there bc BIL and her have separate and the thought of EVER going to anything with them now upsets me. I am meant to sit by myself now.

I just want to run away and have Christmas with my kids this year but I don't know if I can handle not being with my family. I HATE CHRISTMAS!!!

Ideal other half

Well last entry I mentioned fan fiction and for those who don't know what it is it is a site that allows people to write there own stories. Alot of people use characters out of others stories (such as twilight) and have there own plot. Some of the writers are so talented and really I love reading about Edward Cullen.

Edward is my ideal other half, I would be one happy lady to have a man like Edward. I dream about Edward coming to sweep me off my feet. Yes he is a fictional character and yes he is a vampire but he is so right, kind, caring and all those things you want in a man. Maybe a little obsessive but everyone has to have a negative right. And no I am not saying Robert Patterson because to tell you the truth he totally p!sses me off while acting, he does in twilight and the other day I watched Remember Me and he did in that too.

Poor James really doesn't have a chance while i am comparing him to a fictional character does he!

Life on replay!

Feels like my life is on replay, same thing day in day out. Get up, clean the same thing over and over and over again. I need some variety in my life.

I suppose yesterday was a but different we went down the street and Zack had a meltdown. I was so embarrassed and cranky with him bc it was over nothing. I even had people coming up to see if I was alright bc I had a tanting 2.8 year old swinging off one arm and a 3 month old under the other.

Today I decided I need a hobby (that isn't the wonderful world of fan fiction lol I do spend too much time reading about Edward Cullen, I really am quite sick :-)). So I am on look for a kid friendly hobby. I kinda wish I could sew I like looking at things people make. As soon as Ash is old enough I think I am going to start a sign language class it is something I have always wanted to do. Plus I never do anything for myself anymore.

Why is it so hard to say NO!!!

Why can't he say no to his brother? Really its not that hard, yes he may get the shits with you but he will soon get over it because soon he will want something else from you. You come home so pissed off that he has been mucking around and not doing what he wants help with and you have your own things to do, well say NO!!!!

He has promised me to get some jobs around the house done this weekend including the painting of Ashtons room which we took everything out of last weekend to paint but you had to go off with him to do something so i have furniture all over the house for a week, while the painting is still waiting to be done. Not even counting the door being fixed to keep your son inside and safe, cupboards fixed, lawn mowed so our son can play outside. But what brother wants brother gets we have always come after brother, bloody hell he puts his needs after his brother. PRIORITIES FOR GOD SAKE......tell him where to go he wouldn't do anything for you and you know it!!

Our Anniversary today

Today we have been married 4 years! We have had many good times in that four years. The birth of Zack and Ashton the best!

We didn't do anything special and I was disappointed. I was secretly hoping that he tried to do something a little special this year since the trouble we have been having. He didn't! I got him a card no present this year as I give him something every year and get nothing in return. Just like this year really.

He left at 3am driving the damn truck and didn't come home till 5.30pm although he got back from driving at 3pm he stayed at his parents. Pissed me sooooo much, he says he was working. Sorry no one does 14 hours for a shitty $200 and thats if they even pay him at all. He has done so much work for his parents for nothing. How are we ment to live with no money.

I shouldn't be posting this in the mood I am in I am to tired and emotional so I am going to come back later and write about our wedding when I feel better.

Questioning Questioning

What a weekend. James went out not once but twice during the long weekend. It upsets me since alcohol is almost what broke us up in the first place. Well after the weekend it has me questioning whether I did the right thing in giving it another go. Is it bad that sometimes I think I am back for the kids. I question myself all the time when I am angry at James if I am here until my kids are old enough to not be so messed around. My biggest fear is my children spending to much time with MIL and thats what will happen if we separate/divorce. She talks badly about my SIL and SIL parents to her other sons kids and that is just not on in my opinion.

The whole time he is gone I am terrified. He promises nothing will ever happen again and I think its bullshit. He would have never hurt me in the first place if it wasn't for alcohol and he continues too. So he can't guarantee that with alcohol in his system he won't hurt me. Sunday night he came home pissed as. I have to tip toe around him being careful not to say anything that may upset him. Ok yes he never hit me but what he did was wrong!

Then I have to be all nice to his family when he won't even attempt to fix things with mine when it was him that did the wrong thing with them. Oh I am one pissed off women. Sometimes I think I would be much better off without him.

Some me time

This morning James has taken Zack to his mother. Yes I would rather him take him anywhere else in the world but its been nice to have some me time, even if it is still with Ashton and he has decided he is not going to sleep.

I did some cleaning while Ash was sleeping then decided I will order a movie and watch it without Zack's interruption. I was going to order Remember me but looks like that finished yesterday, that would be right. So I decided to order The last Song. I watched the whole 10 minutes before Ash woke up but he just had a feed and snoozed so it wasn't a problem.

If you haven't seen it I would recommend it. Quiet sad, I had some tears! Oh and a added bonus, Liam Hemsworth is in it, at times with no shirt! Maybe not to everyones taste but I think he is a bit of all right. I have never seen him before but I haven't watched many movies lately either.

Suspicion correct!

Yes once again it was another jump to conclusion of the worse possible thing. She doesn't have a brain Aneurysm at all they suspect it is just migraines. Yes Migraines are bad and all but they are hardly a brain aneurysm, just a little bit different. This drives me sooooooo mad!

Oh well its good news I am glad she is ok!

Sickness in the IL's

Is bad when you don't know whether to believe your husband when he tells me someone in his family is sick. The whole family are a bit sickness obsessed. James use to go to the doctor for absolutely everything and has this big thing that he is dying, it would be so bad it is an anxiety that I have to reassure him about all the time. This comes from their mother who always thinks something is wrong I have heard her say to James "whats wrong with your foot? It doesn't look right you best get to the dr about that". When there is absolutely nothing wrong with it not even sore.

We have had many things wrong with them over the years. Eg. His brother has had osteoporosis and was dying, Jim really had a melt down about this (he didn't), my nephew has had whooping cough, measles etc etc (but he didn't) so many things I have been told they had, to then find out later that they finally went to the dr and its a heat rash or with the osteoporosis they were only checking him for it.

Yesterday James told me his sister has a brain aneurysm, my heart skipped a beat oh no she has two young kids I hope she is ok. I came home and asked some questions and I am none the wiser (this drives me crazy that he never finds anything out) I asked if she was in hospital? No. Has she had a scan is that how she found out? Yes. Why was she having the scan? Don't know. She is going to the hospital today. So I do pray to god she is going to be alright but is it true this time? I hope not, I hope Jim has good news later today and its another one of those jump to conclusions events again.

Sleep

I am sure you all think I am going to winge about my 2 month old and not having any sleep because of him well no its not Ashton its Zack my 2.5 year old. Its soooo not ment to be this way and if I was getting up to Ashton it would be ok. Ash gets up once or twice a night which is better then Zack ever was till the age of 1.5 years old.

Zack has decided that he is going to wake 3-4 times a night. Its driving me insane. I can't see any reason why he is getting up. I have tried eliminating things but its still the same and I am scared its becoming a habit. I want some sleep please. What happened to sleeping through you are a big boy now!!!

School Holidays

When I was working school holidays were something I always counted down to of course. As soon as I had Zack I of course wasn't working and school holidays to me were not the best. It means that the SIL come down and of course brings many emotions.

1. Fear- Because there is usually some kind of fight between them all which in turn makes it a horrible and stressful time for James which in turn makes it horrible for me. Especially when it is James that they gang up on.

2. Frustration- They use to ring up at 7like pm and ask us there for tea. For god sake we have a young child we have had tea or are about to have tea. At the moment I don't need to worry about this but instead they turn up here at tea time. This REALLY pisses me off and I know it annoys Jim too. A couple of weekend ago when they were down they were well aware we hadn't had tea and they didn't leave till 9pm. Way past Zacks bed time. Disrespectful if you ask me.

3. Stress- Now the stress about Zack having to go down to the IL's, well just around MIL. Now that I am"not welcome there anymore" he goes without me (which is another thing that pisses me) and now I can't protect him when she calls him names. AND most probably talk horribly about me and my family to him. (OK this probably isn't happening YET but it is happening with my SIL {that has split with James's brother} she bag's there grandmother to them and started there mother now. They are old enough to know to tell her off (12 and 14).

4. Scheming- I scheme ANY WAY I CAN to stop Zack (and use to be myself) from having to go there. I use to stay in bed and breastfeed him to put him back to sleep so we didn't have to go there. Just this past weekend I made pancakes so he wouldn't get there in time to see MIL bc she would be at church. I have become the master schemer but there is always times I have nothing:-(

5. Paranoia- I clean, clean, clean the house more than I would any other time, because I know they will be here more often and I think they are judgemental. It shouldn't worry me but it does for some reason. James always tells me I am being silly but I can't help it. So I am currently doing a big clean up (well as big as you can with a cat napping 2month old and a 2.5 year old).

There is soooooo many more emotions but it makes me sad that I feel like this just bc the IL will be more in my life during the holidays they are ment to be relaxing!

Spring is here

Spring is here and what a lovely spring day it was here. We all spent the morning outside, Zack playing, Ashton snoozing, me cleaning the entertainment area and James working in his shed. Aarrrr it was nice and now the entertainment area looks like someone owns it!

My best friend commented on facebook that she was p!ssed because it was raining on her child free day. I had to rub it in that it was such a lovely day here but secretly I was jelous she was having a child free day.

Oh and I did jinx myself, yesterday, the lovely MIL blessed us with her presence. Although Zack just wanted her to go so he could go down the back to play as we were just going down as she turned up and I told him we could go down after she left. So he promptly asked are you going now, LOL.

Long time no see WOHOO!!

I haven't seen the lovely MIL for over a week now WOHOO!! I wonder what is happening there. Jim doesn't seem to be ringing her much either. Although I have had a visit from my 2 SIL but I can deal with that, they don't call my children and husband names and I only see them when they are visiting from their home town which isn't often at all. Although they tell my husband stupid things I can deal with that. It make me so curious when I don't see her for a while to know what they(James and MIL) are arguing about now or what she has been a b!tch about anyway.

I bet I have jinxed myself now and I will see her soon. Gee I hope not, fingers crossed. Arrrrr to dream about never seeing her again! I can only wish and pray!

Friends

My best friend from high school is still my best friend. We got married 3 weeks apart, honeymooned at the same place, had our first child 11 months apart, our 2nd child 5 months (well will be when she has her 2nd in Dec) apart. I have always just snuck in doing all these things first. All besides moving away, I still live in the town we grew up in and don't really want to leave its a great town to raise kids.

BUT just this week I have been missing her alot. I informed her that she needs to move back. She told me she would move herself and the farm just for me. Bloody farmers wife LOL! Just to have her close by to visit and talk to would be nice. We talk every week but at the moment doesn't feel like enough and when she has her second child, I think she will feel the same. She is much more isolated then I am.

Good friends are hard to find, I am lucky to have her in my life! :-)

So Cranky today

So I got up on the wrong side of the bed today, actually as soon as I woke up I wished I was all alone, with a spotless house. In reality I have my 2 boys, (1 whom doesn't feel like sleeping today) to look after and a pig sty of a house GREAT!

Taking 1 step outside and my mood gets even worse. OMG really James needs to stay home for an entire weekend and stop doing stuff for everyone else and do something for his family. You know us whom is ment to be his number 1's. The yard is 10 times worse and I have been asking him to clean the front verandah for weeks now. To which I have been told I will do it this afternoon for you several times.

The inside of the house is looking better besides having to carry around Ashton while doing it. Still lots that needs doing though. But I have decided that the front verandah I will be doing this afternoon bc I am sick of people coming into out house being welcomed by his shit. It looks like we live in a dump. I will be throwing all the shit in his shed.

One day I might have cupboard doors that don't fall off when I open them. The holes in the wall may be fixed etc etc. I know if I change my name to Phil or (his) mummy they will get done right away.

Now off to tend to these children and continue cleaning or I am going to loose my mind.

Gallstones

When Ashton was a week and a half old I had this terrible pain in my back. I was getting dressed for bed texting James when it just hit. OMG it was the worse pain ever! I told James to stop bugging me bc something is wrong. I walked out to the loungeroom and told mum something was wrong. I put up with the pain for 4 hours (mum was looking after Ashton for me, bringing him to me for feeds only bless her) until it was all to much and I asked mum to take me to the hospital at 2am. I know this freaked mum out because I have a high pain tolerance and I hate the hospital I had to go too. We packed Ash up and went, the car ride was horrible. Ash once again was a little angel. The hospital told me it was probably muscle spasms from having Ash and offered me painkillers I couldn't breastfeed with (GREAT) so I didn't take the pain killers. The pain just all of a sudden stopped after 6 or so hours(arrr bliss).

Since then I have had another 3 bad attacks and 4 slight attacks. After the 3rd attack I went to the dr got a scan and yes I was right I had gall stones. No fat for me. Although bc I had suspected it I had cut right down anyway. I have lost 7kg so far and hoping to loose more this is the only good thing about it.

Next month Ash and I are off to hospital to get my gall out. All I was worried about is Ashton and the dr was like thats easy take him with you. I will express 2 feeds and mum will look after him while i am in theater and I can breastfeed as soon as I am awake enough to hold him. I have to be in there for 4 days which is a downer bc everywhere I read says overnight. Maybe he is keeping me in bc I have a newborn and just had a c-section? not sure.

To be able to eat what I want is going to be great, hope I don't put the weight back on. I have 5 weeks to hopefully loose another 5kg. James is having a fit that I want to loose weight but pft to him.

Gallstones are the worse pain ever, I'd have a 38 hour labour followed by a c-section anyday!

The HATE word such a strong word not to be used often!

When I was a kid mum never let me use the H word. She always told me it is such a strong word and I don't mean it. She would say you may dislike them but you don't hate them. The H word is not a word I have used much, actually thinking back this time is the only time I have used it consistently and mean it!

The mention of her name makes me a mean person, seeing her makes me a crazy person, I can't stand her the thought of her makes me shutter. Seeing her touch my children makes me physically ill. I hate her! I HATE her with a passion and I wish she wasn't in my life but in reality she is James' mother and I have to deal with it. But I am not dealing with it very well at all. James talks about her OR I see her, I turn into devil women. I can't help it, I am nice to her face but every time I see or hear about her I take it out on James. I know I am doing it but at the time I don't care. The horrible things I say to him about our relationship I mean and I am not sorry after saying them.

The horrible thing is they come out bc everytime I see her it makes me rethink weather James is worth having to put up with her. If we weren't together I would still have to deal with James but not her. I do love James, the love isn't anywhere near as strong as what it was 7 or so months ago. I am trying to get it back but I am finding it hard forgiving him for what he did to me. The 10 years we have been together I have always trusted him, thats gone now, can I ever get that back?

The funny thing is this is the first time I absolutly have no question on how much he loves me. Alot of the time I thought he thinks he loves me but he doesn't know what love is. I stuck around bc I loved him. Now I know he loves me, I had no idea he loved me as much as he does. Why did it take him almost loosing me to show me? Why did it have to come out this way? Why wasn't he showing me before all this happened? All these years and I know he loves me and now its me wondering if I can stay with him, if I can forgive him, if I can trust him again, if we can move on from all this, if he is worth it, if he can make me happy again, if I love him now???

This is all to hard. I do think if she wasn't in our life things would be so much better between us. But she is :-(

First day out with Ashton to the movies

Yesterday, was my first day out doing something fun for ages. Mum, Ashton and I went to the movies and to do some shopping. With left Zack Belinda (bless her) bc truthfully it would have been horrible trying to make him sit and watch a movie. Way to stressful and this was my day out.

We went to see Tomorrow When the War Began and it was really good. I enjoyed all of it! Plus Ashton didn't make a sound the whole way through. He is such a good boy. We then went to get some lunch which I couldn't have anything real good bc of this stupid gall, but Ash slept the whole time though it too:-).

Shopping yay I got a new skirt, 3/4 pants and jeans with some of my birthday money. Of course Zack and Ashton faired best. Zacks summer wardrobe is done! Ash slept for most of this too. My little angel.

I am exhausted now but yesterday was so worth it. I needed a day out that wasn't to a dr appointment, specialist or scan. I can't wait for my next outing. Every mother needs it!

Spring Show

Last weekend I took Zack and Ashton to the local Spring Show. On Sat, we went to watch my little cousin dance which Zack loved then together with his 2 little cousins Ella and Gemma went to explore the show. He loved the fishing games but didn't want to use the fishing rods instead wanted to put his hands in the water. He won some trucks which he adores.

On Sunday James and I took the boys. Today we went with BIL and his child Kailee. Kailee took Zack into the fun house but he came out shaking bc he was scared of the clown the poor little thing. He went on the dodgem cars with James and had the time of his life. He is such a boy, he loved running into other people. We got him a big showbag with lots of trucks, cars motorbikes etc in it.

Ashton slept in his pram both time the little angel!!

Our local show is very sad really there is not much there at all anymore. I remember going on 1000's of rides and having a ball. The dodgem cars, fun house and jumping castle slide are the only ride things there now, besides the games like the clowns and the fishing game. It a little sad that older kids have nothing there to do its really only for kids Zacks age.

Visiting the IL's that I love.

This afternoon I am going to visit my SIL and two gorgous nieces. Things are so hard with me seeing them now that SIL and BIL have separated. I must say thank god it has finally happened. I have to be careful because James of course is supporting his brother but he also knows that I would support SIL before his brother any day. Things are going to get soooo messy there I just know it and it freaks me out bc it is going to effect us, I just know it. I worry about my nieces the most.

Is it selfish that I am worried about how I am ever going to do anything with the IL again without having SIL and especially 1 of my nieces there? I doubt that 1 niece will go to many family things bc like me she HATES her nan/my MIL. Now I am going to be sitting there all by myself feeling most uncomfortable and unwelcomed.

Anyway I can't wait to see them and take the boys to see them. They love the boys and Zack loves his cousins, they spoil him rotton. I communicate over facebook with them and they keep asking me when I will come and see them, so I told James last night that I am going to visit. I decided that its best to not do things behind his back. I also told him that there will be no trying to get information out of me to tell his brother.

Not so peachy!

Life at the moment should be wonderful. I just had my second son who is just adorable. I love my sons more than anything in this world and I couldn't live without them. Ashton is so smiley now and every smile melts my heart. Zack just makes me laugh throughout the day, he is such a character, I don't know what I am going to do with him LOL. I just love them soooo much. But if I am going to be truthful life isn't that great, besides my children.

James and I are back together after being separated for 5 months which included the last 4 months of my pregnany and the birth of Ashton. . The hardest 5 months of my life so far, by far. I don't want to go into why we separated right now, I will just say some not so nice things happened that made me leave to my wonderful parents with Zack. I don't know how I feel about it all I am still so bloody angry with him and I know I will never forgive him I need to work out weather I can forget and move on. I need to work out weather James is worth putting up with Beth (my MIL) because she is who has caused alot of our troubles and I truely feel she is trying to separate us. She has successfully done it with her other son so I do think now that I am back with James she is going to up the shit.

Its hard I don't know what to say.

- I wish my life was like it was before.- No I don't I was unhappy with things then, but now I am still not happy. So how do I get happy? Thats the question I wish I could answer. Any idea's?