The HATE word such a strong word not to be used often!

When I was a kid mum never let me use the H word. She always told me it is such a strong word and I don't mean it. She would say you may dislike them but you don't hate them. The H word is not a word I have used much, actually thinking back this time is the only time I have used it consistently and mean it!

The mention of her name makes me a mean person, seeing her makes me a crazy person, I can't stand her the thought of her makes me shutter. Seeing her touch my children makes me physically ill. I hate her! I HATE her with a passion and I wish she wasn't in my life but in reality she is James' mother and I have to deal with it. But I am not dealing with it very well at all. James talks about her OR I see her, I turn into devil women. I can't help it, I am nice to her face but every time I see or hear about her I take it out on James. I know I am doing it but at the time I don't care. The horrible things I say to him about our relationship I mean and I am not sorry after saying them.

The horrible thing is they come out bc everytime I see her it makes me rethink weather James is worth having to put up with her. If we weren't together I would still have to deal with James but not her. I do love James, the love isn't anywhere near as strong as what it was 7 or so months ago. I am trying to get it back but I am finding it hard forgiving him for what he did to me. The 10 years we have been together I have always trusted him, thats gone now, can I ever get that back?

The funny thing is this is the first time I absolutly have no question on how much he loves me. Alot of the time I thought he thinks he loves me but he doesn't know what love is. I stuck around bc I loved him. Now I know he loves me, I had no idea he loved me as much as he does. Why did it take him almost loosing me to show me? Why did it have to come out this way? Why wasn't he showing me before all this happened? All these years and I know he loves me and now its me wondering if I can stay with him, if I can forgive him, if I can trust him again, if we can move on from all this, if he is worth it, if he can make me happy again, if I love him now???

This is all to hard. I do think if she wasn't in our life things would be so much better between us. But she is :-(